Diary of life in the world’s most interesting capital…
‘I read your blog, so modern’ says The Countess. ‘Did M W really assault The Queen’s Person? I find that rather disturbing. No one is allowed to touch Her!’ ‘He was saving her from falling off the helipad, ‘I clarify meekly.
The Redoubtable Countess is a cross between Lady Thatcher and the character of Patsy from the old comedy, Absolutely Fabulous. She is also menopausal so to get on the wrong side of her would be to dice with death. She is one of my best London friends and even I’m treading on eggshells.
Once, BM (before menopause), she found herself accosted by a gang of youths on Whitechapel High Street, one of whom threatened to stab her. She leaned down and said ‘young man! I will RIP your LIVER out and EAT it!’ They all scarpered.
One of the lowlights of most working Londoners’ days is the tube commute.
Hundreds of thousands of people travel at rush hour in jam packed carriages. Most people employ the stiff upper lip method of travel. They put up with other commuters’ heads wedged under their armpits, fellow passengers playing very loud music, and just generally being shoved and prodded. Not The Countess. Not even BM.
‘On the tube, there he sat, this young man. Head buried in the paper, pretending that he couldn’t see the pregnant woman standing in front of him. What sort of behaviour is that? So rude! I shouted YOUNG MAN, GET OUT OF YOUR SEAT AND LET THE LADY SIT DOWN’. ‘Quite right too,’ I say, wondering whether this particular young man knew how close he had come to meeting his maker.
‘BACON SANDWICH’, she booms from her corner of the office. Sharp blue eyes peer at me from around the monitor. ‘Yes, yes, of course’ I say. Best to just be agreeable I find.
About Samantha:
What Samantha did next? Samantha was born to Cruella in 1971. She won a school prize for English when she was twelve and has a Masters Degree in Art History. Currently she labours in the health industry so that worked out well. Samantha used to be married to a man of Scottish descent. As she is of Jewish descent it was a very cheap wedding. Samantha now lives in London and loves its nooks and crannies and fabulous people. This blog is her way of sharing the city behind the big tourist attractions with you. Samantha has never climbed Mount Everest or swam with dolphins but when she grows up she wants to have a cat.
‘I read your blog, so modern’ says The Countess. ‘Did M W really assault The Queen’s Person? I find that rather disturbing. No one is allowed to touch Her!’ ‘He was saving her from falling off the helipad, ‘I clarify meekly.
The Redoubtable Countess is a cross between Lady Thatcher and the character of Patsy from the old comedy, Absolutely Fabulous. She is also menopausal so to get on the wrong side of her would be to dice with death. She is one of my best London friends and even I’m treading on eggshells.
Once, BM (before menopause), she found herself accosted by a gang of youths on Whitechapel High Street, one of whom threatened to stab her. She leaned down and said ‘young man! I will RIP your LIVER out and EAT it!’ They all scarpered.
One of the lowlights of most working Londoners’ days is the tube commute.
Hundreds of thousands of people travel at rush hour in jam packed carriages. Most people employ the stiff upper lip method of travel. They put up with other commuters’ heads wedged under their armpits, fellow passengers playing very loud music, and just generally being shoved and prodded. Not The Countess. Not even BM.
‘On the tube, there he sat, this young man. Head buried in the paper, pretending that he couldn’t see the pregnant woman standing in front of him. What sort of behaviour is that? So rude! I shouted YOUNG MAN, GET OUT OF YOUR SEAT AND LET THE LADY SIT DOWN’. ‘Quite right too,’ I say, wondering whether this particular young man knew how close he had come to meeting his maker.
‘BACON SANDWICH’, she booms from her corner of the office. Sharp blue eyes peer at me from around the monitor. ‘Yes, yes, of course’ I say. Best to just be agreeable I find.
About Samantha:
What Samantha did next? Samantha was born to Cruella in 1971. She won a school prize for English when she was twelve and has a Masters Degree in Art History. Currently she labours in the health industry so that worked out well. Samantha used to be married to a man of Scottish descent. As she is of Jewish descent it was a very cheap wedding. Samantha now lives in London and loves its nooks and crannies and fabulous people. This blog is her way of sharing the city behind the big tourist attractions with you. Samantha has never climbed Mount Everest or swam with dolphins but when she grows up she wants to have a cat.
